Joe's TV List Plays Ball in the House

#23: The Brady Bunch
(ABC, 1969-1974)

Hey, Fluffy the cat here, and I've got some, um, confessions to make. See, they were planning to write me out after the pilot. I tried to escape at the wedding, but they corraled me. Said they were taking me to visit some youth in Asia. But I got away again. They never did find me, but I was always around, hiding in the corners of that crappy house in California -- you know, the one where the exterior facade didn't match the interior, and Mr. Brilliant Architect installed one bathroom for six kids. They never did know all the damage I caused. But who do you think really broke the vase? Who summoned the Tiki gods and brought down horrible curses in Hawaii? And Marcia's nose injury? Actually a deep, infected scratch. Oh, I was everywhere. I sent Cindy those love notes to screw with her head. I switched Mike's plans with a Yogi Bear poster. I locked Bobby and Greg in the freezer. I curled up beside Jan every night and softly purred suggestions of inadequacy and self-loathing in her ear. And who do you think pushed Tiger's ball into the road at rush hour? Things like that don't just happen, you know. They finally caught me passing notes to the producers about the need to add an obnoxious cousin to the cast, and I got hauled off to the pound, but the damage was done. I had my revenge. Oh, don't look at me like that. What's that? Other actors haven't turned into sociopaths after being written off shows? Really? Tell that to Chuck Cunningham, last seen dragging a kerosene barrel away from Arnold's, the light from the flames shining in his eyes like dancing laughter.