Kill the Wabbits

I was talking to Jenn today about how many of our Christmas and Easter traditions are pagan in origin, but have become cheerful holiday customs that coexist with the Christian meaning of the holidays. Sort of.

I mean, culturally, the Santa side of Christmas meshes fairly seamlessly with the birth of Christ for no reason that I can explain. It just feels right. Generations of kids have learned about Jesus' birth while waiting anxiously for Santa, and, in most cases, the dichotomy didn't permanently screw up their heads. Easter is trickier. For one thing, most really young kids don't have the experiential maturity to deal with death as a concept (unless they've seen it close-up, which is tragic), and the core Easter message of sacrifice, death, and atonement isn't an easy one to condense into a kid-friendly package. But hopefully not too many parents are plopping their kids in front of The Passion of the Christ, so we let 'em celebrate Easter by watching fare about the staggeringly incongruous Easter bunny. I'm fine with that. Really, it's no more harmful than watching Linny squat into a bush.

Just -- and here is today's message at Pioneer Valley Days -- try to pick something a little higher-grade than Easter in Bunnyland. (What, you thought this was a religious posting?)

I really didn't mind watching this movie, the current Kidtoon Films offering at the local showcase cinema. We go to these 10 a.m. weekend shows because they give preschoolers a real moviegoing experience, complete with the big screen, popcorn, and fruit punch. We've endured two different Care Bears flicks, a Tonka truck movie with more product placement than The Apprentice and Jon & Kate combined, and a My Little Pony Christmas story that buried the holiday under an avalanche of candy and mixed messages. Jenn says the Strawberry Shortcake movie was her favorite so far, which should tell you something about how low we're setting the bar here. Most of these movies are already available on DVD, but when Nate sits there for an hour feeling like a big, important kid, well, I'd pay $3.50 a ticket for that any day.

But, Santa help us, Nate has created sculptures in his Pull-Ups that were more appealing loads of crap than Easter in Bunnyland. This movie centers around three rabbits with extremely annoying voices wandering through a plot that was probably assembled using whatever refrigerator poetry magnets were available. The pinnacle of humor is one of the cringeworthy rat villians calling the Easter bunny "Easter dummy." And can we say low-budget? I noticed footage recycled and reused, and in many scenes with multiple characters, only the character talking moved; others just stood stock-still and unblinking. Yes, Hanna-Barbera used to cut similar corners, but they made up for it with extremely sharp writing. Trust me ... I'm no great scribe, but you had more fun reading this paragraph than you could possibly have at this movie. Once I put Nate on my lap, Jenn tried to get some shuteye.

Roger Ebert and others have rightfully complained about some of the garbage studios put out for kids, knowing they'll make a quick buck off an undiscerning audience. That's true, but they're talking about feature films for bigger kids. As Nate grows up, we'll certainly take him to good family flicks; we already own a library of Disney, Pixar, and other classics on DVD. But right now, it's about the experience, and an hour is about right for any 2-year-old to sit still without getting bored. The truth is, Pixar, Dreamworks, and others have pushed the length of animated films ever-higher; Toy Story runs 1:20, but Cars reaches two hours, which is why Nate's never made it past the halfway point of the DVD. We'd love to check out Horton Hears a Who, but that runs 1:50. Soon, probably sometime this year, we'll take him to a real movie; he is really well-behaved in the theater. But we're not going to tax him with a two-hour running time and ruin what's supposed to be a good time until we think he's ready.

Until then, it's 10 a.m. Kidtoons for Nate, and solo forays to the movies -- and occasional dates -- for Jenn and I when we want to see something else. That's what you do when you're a parent. You do not ruin Jenn's (and everyone else's) viewing of Casino Royale by having a two-hour conversation with your gaggle of toddlers, and you certainly do not (contrary to what I experienced one night) bring your 4-year-old daughter to Apocalypto. Prick.

No, you understand that parenthood means renting movies, accepting the fact that you can't always go everywhere you want to go, and, once in a while, enduring Easter in Bunnyland. Which I hope is running on an endless loop when Apocalypto Dad gets strapped to his Lazy Boy in hell.

Comments

[Dawn]

Hey Joe! Happy Easter! I cannot wait for Sox on Tuesday. I will be up at 6 & listening while I get eady for work. They are *killing* me, first with the 6am games & then a trip to the West Coast. I need a 7pm start!!

By the way... I just hovered over my name in your blog roll. LOL!! Define unhealthy. ;-)